I am on a business/leisure trip without J.  I have many resources set up at home to make this possible.  I arrived yesterday afternoon, had lunch with friends, went to a meeting and was looking forward to an evening of socializing with people who don’t have Alzheimer’s disease.

Then the gastric distress started. I made it to a reception to let my friends know I would not be joining them for dinner, grabbed a ginger ale and headed for my room. Nine and a half hours later, I am awake and feeling better, I think.

I have not been sick for as long as I can remember, so I think this bout is a little bit of a wake-up call that I am trying to do too much and that living with J is not as easy as I let on.  While I try to eat right, exercise and get enough sleep, I also firmly hold onto the belief that I am indestructible. Of course it is only an illusion.

In addition to working full time, I am training for a half marathon next month, dealing with an early November work deadline that requires attending evening functions, helping our daughter find an apartment and move out of our house and looking for a part-time caregiver for J.  All while trying to keep up with friends and family. Looking at that list, even I have to wonder why my body didn’t mutiny sooner.

It is also stressful that, in my mind, J’s decline is palpable and yet friends and family who see her only occasionally don’t recognize it. From where I sit, J is much quieter and withdrawn. It is hard to get more than a sentence or two out of her, especially at home. It is better when we are out doing an activity, and it is hard to keep up a constant calendar of activities given my other obligations. Part of me has not wanted to face this new reality.

I am hoping that getting a caregiver for J will help alleviate some of this stress, and it has been difficult to find someone . I wrote an ad about three weeks ago and sent it out to my synagogue and every one I know who is involved in a faith community.  I was hoping to have someone live in with room and board being part of the compensation, yet no one who fits that bill has responded. I got impatient and posted the ad on Craigslist. Big mistake. I am so inundated with responses, I don’t even have time to read them all.  I have one person coming to interview next week. Perhaps she will be the one. 

In the meantime, I am hoping I will feel better this morning and can enjoy this time away. 

2 thoughts on “Denial”

  1. I wanted to offer another resource for you to look for help. There is a website called they offer a few different types/levels of companionship & care.
    I read your blog and my heart aches for you. My mother -in-law had Alzheimer’s and so we struggled in a different way as her children. I could only imagine the pain my father-in-law endured as he would never share any of his feelings with us~ Only his promise to care for her.
    Your perpective as a spouse sheds more light on how he must have been feeling.
    For me it was more anger and frustration & HATE, not for her but for this horrible disease that took her mind.
    Thank you for sharing your story.


    1. Thanks, Christie, for reading and sharing. I am aware of Thanks for the reminder. Of course I feel frustration at times. And instead of succumbing to anger and hate, I try to turn to love. Love of J and our children, family and friends who are with us every step of this journey. There is much to learn from J as we travel together.

      Liked by 1 person

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